Another Crippled Sorcerer-King

Hi, it's me. Just checking in with what I have been up to.

So, I have accomplished almost literally nothing in the past week, whether that involves working on my PBBG project WOTAN or even merely playing a game. I have been watching my four year-old son alone this whole time, and he does make it literally impossible to get anything done.

He has a special talent for picking up on when I am trying to do something other than mindlessly reading reddit. Like right now: I don't know if he is psychic, but he was just happily keeping to himself and playing with his toys and now that I have started this post he is magically pulling at my leg demanding my full attention.

Elric, last king of the Dragon Isle

I have also chosen this past week to "dry out" as I believe the saying is. Of course by that I mean I have ceased my famously-prodigous reefer consumption for a while. It is a necessary thing every now and then, like taking a vacation. Sadly, I am also the opposite of the typical pot-head stereotype in at least one regard: I utterly lack motivation to do anything when "sober." I suppose that is why I have loved marijuana from the first time I tried it, to me it is like Ritalin and Prozac all rolled into one. Sadly, like those drugs, it also has its downfalls but I chose it because it least it isn't as dangerous (or potentially addictive) as them.

So my ennui is very high, and my motivation is very low even without the distraction of a young child. Fortunately, I have a solid roadmap for WOTAN and I will be getting a short break from parenthood tomorrow so I hope to finish the basic Item module. It is true, I have relied on MJ a bit too much to keep me going, so a pet project of mine is to attempt to motivate myself and stay focused without the use of this crutch.

Is it any wonder my favorite non-Tolkien fantasy character is Elric of Melniboné? Unfortunately for Elric, he proves he is utterly unable to sustain himself without his drugs or his famous sword. But I think I'll be able to manage. I'm just more of a dick and a bit less patient without my Stormbringer.

Now, I do not plan on quitting outright. I find "quitting" most habits to be an utterly asinine concept. I used to smoke cigarettes quite a lot, and now I almost never smoke them. However, I keep a pack in the cupboard and when the mood strikes I will have one. I find it much more beneficial to merely "stop" than to add all the self-defeating stress and pressure of the feckless absolutist concept of "quitting." I am also very much not a fan of 12-step programs; I find all they are really good for is teaching you how to be a submissive cretin, not give you the strength, willpower and discipline needed to actually face your chemical demons. People who are 12-step acolytes may be "sober," but at the cost of thousands of little deaths each day. If I ever needed a program for an addiction, I would hope it would teach me to take control of myself, not surrender it to an outside idealogy.

And then again, even when smoking two packs every day, I didn't identify myself as a "smoker." I merely was a person who happened to enjoy smoking. And I still do, though it is an activity (albeit a disgustingly smelly one) I engage in perhaps once a week at best, perhaps a half-dozen times every few months.

And so it will likely go with the MJ. Then again, cigarettes never produced the beneficial effects on my brain chemistry that MJ does, so the analogy doesn't exactly fit. And if I find I, like the doomed hero Elric, am absolutely unable to function without some sort of chemical intervention I will always choose MJ over what I consider to be (if not actual) dangerous prescription drugs. So I may choose not to "stop," either. If so, I wonder if I will find myself impaled upon a stalk of hemp after witnessing the birth of a new world which I helped create after destroying my world? Not to give away the ending to the Elric saga or anything. See I can be evil too! Mwuhahaha!

Anyway, my work has been set back a week, but so what? I have been having doubts I will make my August deadline anyway, despite its looseness (notice I have never made a specific date, such as August 1st or August 12th or the like?). But if my release of WOTAN ends up being in September, I won't be terribly upset with myself.